Workin' Hard Or Hardly Workin'
by horklump
Summary: This is a bunch of short stories about the Order of the Phoexix doing extremely random things. It is not slash. It is, however, a product of my warped imagination. Mild lanuage included guys. Enjoy!
1. It was Colonel Mustard, I swear!

Disclaimer: I do not own the game Clue, the characters, or anything else in this fic.

This story takes place in OOTP and is pretty much just some vignettes about the Order doing random things. I realize that some things will be kind of altered in the story but this is fiction right? Nice piece of information for you guys, I actually wrote this chapter when our electricity was non-existent after Katrina. Enjoy!

"It was Colonel Mustard, in the Billiard Room, with the chainsaw!" Said Sirius triumphantly, throwing his playing cards from the board game Clue down onto the kitchen table. There was a collective moan from the other players as Kingsley Shacklebolt tiredly put his face in his hands and sighed.

**"There is no chainsaw in this game Sirius, just as there's no crowbar, wooden stake, rabid squirrel…"**

**"And it has to be your turn before you can guess!" said Mrs. Weasley irritably as her turn had once again been ruined by Sirius's wild guesses. At that moment, Mad-Eye Moody limped into the kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, his wooden leg thumping with each step. He looked around at the Order members sitting around the table and then, turning his magical eye to look at the tiny brown envelope labeled "Confidential" in the middle of the game board he grunted,**

"**It was Professor Plum, in the study with the wrench. Now you lot get up and make yerselves useful and stop wasting your time playing stupid Muggle games. We've got Death Eaters to catch!" And with that, he limped out of the kitchen, leaving everyone to stare at each other with their mouths open.**

**"Damn it Mad-Eye!" yelled Tonks angrily, "Just because you can see through the bloody envelope doesn't mean you have to ruin it for the rest of us!" Moody, however, didn't seem to hear her as he proceeded on his way to the front door, the thumping of his wooden leg echoing throughout the house.**

**"Oh well, it isn't as though any of us were really enjoying it anymore," sighed Remus as he picked his "Mr. Green" piece up off the board and placed it back into the box.**

**"Yeah, it's not like we haven't been playing this game all day long," reasoned Arthur Weasley as he began to help Remus put everything back into the box.**

**"And I was just about to win too," said Sirius wistfully, resting his chair back on it's hind legs.**

**"No you weren't!" snapped Mrs. Weasley, "You'd already lost. Three times!"**

**"What are we going to do now?" yawned Tonks boredly, her curly red hair instantly turning into its usual short, spiky, bubble-gum pink.**

**"We've still got Twister," said Sirius dejectedly. There was a unanimous "No!" from around the table.**

Author's Note: I know this was short but there's more to come I promise. Please review and tell me how I'm doing!


	2. Mondays are not kind to Severus Snape

**Peering around the corner, Severus Snape silently made his way into the infinite darkness that surrounded him. Looking around carefully, he continued on his way to the wall opposite him. Snape was not a man to get nervous easily, but he had the strangest feeling that he was being followed. There was a loud "thump" in the blackness behind him. He spun around quickly, weapon raised. Then he saw it; the tiny red dot that would cost him everything if he didn't hide quickly. He jumped behind a barrel that was splattered with what seemed to be neon orange paint. The whole place seemed to be splattered with it. He glanced over the top of the barrel. The red dot was gone. He waited patiently. Finally, the red dot reemerged. **

"**Sucker," thought Snape as he crept up behind the bright spot, raised his weapon, and shot directly at it. The dot jiggled, and was apparently attached to a figure. The figure gasped sharply. Snape chuckled darkly and quickly darted into the shadows. The face of Emmeline Vance was illuminated slightly by the black lights as she turned around to see who had attacked her. Seeing no one, she cautiously walked away. Snape chuckled again and moved to find his next victim. After a few minutes of creeping and searching, a large barrel in front of him wobbled and Nymphadora Tonks came crashing violently unto the floor in front of him. He seized his chance. Raising his laser gun he began to fire at her headset repeatedly.**

"**You got me already! Geez…" said Tonks irritably as she covered her headset with her hands. It was no use; the ambitious Head of Slytherin kept firing without as much as blinking an eye. Suddenly, the lights flipped on and a loud speaker, seemingly from nowhere, announced that the game was over.**

"**What?" asked McGonagall incredulously as she came out from behind an oddly shaped obstacle. "We have twenty-three minutes left!"**

"**Snape is cheating again!" snarled Sirius as he walked up to the others.**

"**Is this true Severus?" asked Dumbledore, beard stuffed in a large black sock and his "Laser Tag" vest too short for his tall body.**

"**No," replied Snape coolly. "Black just can't stand to lose."**

"**I'm not losing!" said Sirius angrily, "but even if I were I'd be losing fairly!"**

"**Honestly Severus," said McGonagall disgustedly, "first you were tailing Hagrid because he's, er, proportionately challenged…"**

"**He had me in a headlock!" shouted Arthur Weasley.**

"**How do you know it was me?" asked Snape softly, "It is pitch black in here."**

"**Because you're the only one who wears black billowy robes!" said Molly irritably, examining her husband's neck tenderly. "Everyone else has on at least one thing that glows under these ridiculous black lights." There was a murmur of agreement.**

"**Come on guys, we really can't prove it was Severus doing all of those things," reasoned Lupin calmly. There were a series of conflicting remarks made, but Snape didn't hear them. He was officially pissed off. Everyone else was against him. He was fine with that, really. They usually were. But this goody-two shoes, piss-poor werewolf, whom he had never liked by the way, was going to stand here and take up for him? Nah-uh. **

"**Shut up Lupin!" growled Snape viciously through clenched teeth, wiping his greasy hair away from his face. "You've never amounted to anything and never will. Nobody wants to hear your opinion. So for once in your miserable lifetime will you just shut up and shove it up your filthy, half-breed ass!"**

**There was silence. Remus Lupin stood quite still, looking quite pale and as if he didn't know what to do or say at this point. Then, regaining his demeanor, he punched Snape square in the nose. Snape fell as if in slow motion to the floor, blood oozing from his crooked, greasy nose. Then calmly, Remus exited the building, leaving Snape wincing on the floor holding his bloody nose. Everyone turned to follow Lupin, sniggering and casting dirty, yet highly amused looks at Snape.**

"**Ever wonder how his nose got so oddly angled in the first place?" asked Sirius gleefully as they exited the building.**

"**I hate my life," mumbled Snape pitifully as he fully collapsed on the purple carpet.**

Authors Note: Do you guys think I should continue writing this? Please let me know.Thanx!


	3. All in a days work

Remus Lupin slept peacefully at the kitchen table of the Noble and most Ancient House of Black. Propped upon his arms and emitting a snore every now and again, the exhausted werewolf appeared to have been done in by the massive pile of paper work which was now serving as a very awkward pillow. Remus, it seemed, was beginning to form a habit of snoozing in random places around headquarters, and more often than not he could be spotted crashed, upside down, mouth agape, and drooling, in the oddest of places. Indeed, Kingsley Shacklebolt found him passed out in the pantry the week before, snuggling with a can of Spaghetti O's and a box of Bisquick. No one seemed too bothered by this; if Remus happened to be sprawled out in the floor or otherwise in the way, they simply stepped over or around him, and went on with their business. Afterall, Remus always got his work done on time, and who could blame him for being a little tired, what with his condition and all. Snape, who had a knack for finding negative qualities in everything, of course took every opportunity he got to complain to Dumbledore about Lupin's obvious lack of professionalism, to which Dumbledore pleasantly ignored, which was what he was best at. Molly could often be heard muttering sympathies about the poor lycanthrope, and Sirius found the whole situation rather amusing. But when your days were filled with nothing more exciting than feeding a hippogriff, imagining each dead rodent to be an old friend of yours and then laughing mirthlessly as its crushed between the beak of the beast, it doesn't take much. Being easily amused to begin with, no one was ever surprised to walk in on the fugitive and find him dressing his friend in drag, or something equally ridiculous, and giggling hysterically.

On this particular occasion, however, our favorite werewolf was not awoken by the mad cackles of Sirius Black, but by the strange, tickling sensation taking place in his scalp. "Damn fleas," he muttered groggily, slowly lifting a hand to scratch the irritated region. His eyes shot open as he grabbed something hard and plastic out of his hair. Bringing the foreign object down for closer inspection, Remus realized that what he held was a plastic Muggle spoon. No, scratch that. This spoon had teeth. "A spork," he mentally sighed, letting his sleepy eyes get into focus. "While I was sleeping a rogue spork climbed into my hair, got lost, started tickling my scalp, and is now staring me in the face." He thought in a "Why does stupid stuff like this always happen to me?" kind of way, and turned around, expecting to see Sirius. Instead he saw Mad-Eye, grimacing and staring at the spork.

"I'd be careful with that if I were you Lupin," he growled. "It seems to be full of dark magic. Won't surprise me if it ignites right now, killing ev-,"

"It's okay Alastor," said Remus calmly, amazed that such a great Auror would be so wary over of spork. "It's just a spork. Something Muggles use to eat with."

"A spork?" Moody asked suspiciously. "Sounds a bit shady to me. I'll keep an eye on that, thank you." And with that, he snatched the spork out of Remus's hand and hobbled out of the kitchen. Sighing, Remus got up out of his chair and decided to see what everyone else in the house was doing.

As he climbed the stairs, Remus could have sworn he'd heard music. But with the twins trying desperately to get one of Kreacher's toenails for their products, Hermione chasing and reprimanding them, and Ginny and Ron just getting one hell of a show, that only left one person to be up here in the bedrooms. As Remus walked passed Harry's bedroom, he saw the troubled teen dancing wildly and singing into his hair brush. Horrified, Remus only caught, "Fergalicious, definitious, make them boys go crazy," as he darted down the hall and out of sight of Harry and Ron's bedroom. "James is rolling in his grave," he thought sadly as he imagined his old friend's reaction to his deeply disturbed son's, er, "moves". "Poor kid," Remus thought as he was getting close to the second floor bathroom. "I wonder if Sirius knows?"

As he passed in front of the bathroom door, speak of devil, Remus observed that his old friend was standing very still, being deadly quiet, and apparently staring in the toilet. Noticing this very odd behavior, even for Sirius, Remus asked him "Um, Sirius? What exactly are you…"

"Be quiet!" Sirius growled viciously. Taken aback, Remus stared wide-eyed at his friend until Sirius, never taking his eyes off the parceling bowl, whispered, "They're coming."

Extremely confused and more than a little worried about Sirius's mental state, Remus whispered back, "Who's coming Sirius?"

Closing his eyes and sighing in an extremely annoyed, not to mention dramatic, way, Sirius took his eyes off the toilet and turned to Remus. When his eyes opened again, he was glaring at the werewolf.

"Freakin' Abraham Lincoln Moony!" cried Sirius sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "I'm just standing here to help him crawl out, and when he does, I think we'll just have a nice spot of tea! Maybe even play duck-duck-goose…"

"I get the point Sirius, there's no need for sarcasm," said Remus dully.

Sirius sighed and then said more calmly, "The toilet worms."

"Huh?" asked Remus, wondering if this was more of Sirius's sarcasm.

"The toilet worms Moony. They're these little purple worms that crawl into the toilet bowl from the pipes of the toilet or somewhere, I don't know. Everyday at this time I watch them slither and squirm until the whole bowl of the toilet is purple and writhing." He looked at Remus and shook his head. "This toilet is the only thing left in this house that hasn't been exterminated. I was given the duty to clean this bathroom after the clock incident, remember? But no matter what I do I just can't get rid of them. When you squish them, they multiply, and-," Sirius stopped his rambling and watched Remus, who had moved closer to the toilet and was now studying it intensely. Sure enough, a single purple worm had made its way into the bowl. "That's their chief," Sirius whispered. Remus gave him a skeptical look. Then, tons of worms began piling into the toilet, and the "chief" started to crawl up the side of the bowl. When the minute violet invertebrate finally made it to the seat, it reared up and started to squirm around. "It's trying to speak to me, I just know it," Sirius whispered. Remus ignored him. Then, from out of nowhere, a deep, booming voice said, "We are the Purple Lilopots from the pipe of Sludge. We claim this pool as our own and if you have any objections-," Remus apparently had a big objection. He raised his hand and thumped the chief of the Purple Lilopots back into the water. There was a collective gasp as the worms watched the attack made upon their leader. "Remus!" shouted Sirius, shocked that his friend would do such a thing. "Now they'll attack us!"

"What are a bunch of little worms going to do to us Sirius?" asked Remus unworriedly, as he began to move towards the door. All of sudden, a huge gust of wind surged from out of the toilet bowl and answered Remus's question. He and Sirius were pinned against the wall from the force.

"Wow! They have super blowing powers! Who knew?" said Sirius as he fought against the force of the wind. It was no use. He couldn't move.

"Now you have seen our power!" said the deep voice of the Chief. "Do you forfeit?"

"Never!" cried Sirius gallantly.

"Yes!" cried Remus desperately.

"Very well," said the voice, and then the wind stopped, causing the two men to fall crumpled to the floor. When they had scuttled out of the room as quickly as possible, Sirius gave Remus a disbelieving look and said "I can't believe you just did that!"

Remus ignored this yet again. "We need to come up with a plan," he said pensively. The two men peeked around the door to look at their sworn enemies. There were bright, multicolored lights and what appeared to be a disco ball glimmering out of the toilet, and an extremely tiny beach ball was tossed into the air before disappearing again into the bowl. There was also music playing.

"Is that Prince?" asked Sirius unbelievingly as the faint sound of "1999" could be heard from inside the bathroom. Remus nodded solemnly.

"I think I've got a plan," he whispered. "Watch my back." Remus then ran without warning towards the toilet and flushed it. Worms, disco ball and all went swirling into the abyss, perhaps back the pipe of Sludge, where they had come from.

"That was great!" said Sirius as they started towards the kitchen. Fighting evil, pool partying, Lilopots could really give you an appetite. "I can't believe I never thought of that."

"All this time you've been trying to get rid of them, you never thought to flush them?"

"Nope," he replied, and as they passed Harry's room, Sirius came to dead halt. "Harry!" he shouted, quite shocked. Apparently Harry was still getting his grove on.

"Oh, hey Sirius," said Harry, a little embarrassed.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked, still quite shocked.

"Um, well, you said listening to music helped you mellow out sometimes, and this was the only CD Hermione had with her…"

"Yeah, but I was talking about The Weird Sisters or something like that. Not "My Humps" or whatever the hell this song just said." He gave Harry a sympathetic grin. "Come on. I bet Tonks has some good Wizarding rock music she'd let you borrow. Let's go see." And with that, Sirius led his godson out of the room in search of some more "manly" tunes. Remus smirked and went back down to the kitchen. He eyed his massive stack of paperwork evenly, then decided it made too good of a pillow to be completed right now. Snuggling down into his papers once again, Remus Lupin dozed off. Such was a day in the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix.


End file.
